Good body language, no ex-talk, elegant choice of clothing, intriguing questions – but what else can you do to make sure lurve is in the air?
The added difficulty of first dates is that it is not just a first date, but often a first acquaintance. How can Cupid fire his arrow so soon when you have only just met?
It is true that many relationships start in the workplace, and so when you ask a colleague out it is most definitely not the first time you have met and spoken with them. Perhaps on a more intimate basis yes, but otherwise, you already know each other a bit. On the other hand, traditional first dates require some forethought. It is harder to spark an instant connection when you have never met this person on a one-to-one basis, or even at all.
Fear not. Throughout this article, I will proffer you some tried and tested ways (dating tips, communication methods, call it what you will) by which you can give yourself the best shot at building chemistry with someone on a first date.
Pre-chemistry building
If you have not met this person before, then most likely you are texting each other in direct messaging or from a dating app. The problem with texting and apps is that can lead to a false sense of chemistry because the lack of body language and tone involved in the preliminary chatting, there is a lack of human connection. Limiting the texting before a first date as much as you can will help.
Instead, use texts to understand what the chemistry might be like so you can anticipate if you will get on like a house on fire from the off or if you will have to adapt.
What’s the ultimate objective of dating? Meaningful relationship. So long as you and your date are pursuing meaningful relationships in your life (all other boxes being ticked), genuine chemistry can build on that mutual intention.
1. Set the right expectations
The nature of first dates might vary for different ages and at what stage of life you are at. It is fair to say that if you are much younger then you have a lot less to lose while you experiment, as it were, finding what or who you like without any serious consequences. Further up the twenties ladder, things get a bit more serious. Many people in their thirties even like to lay all their cards on the table on the first date. Bit much, if you ask, though I understand why. Still, the right and proper expectation to have for any date is that you are there to have fun. If the date is not fun, it isn’t going anywhere.
The aim of a first date is to get to know each other a little better, to enjoy yourselves, and to get a feeling of whether there is potential for seeing each other again. Nothing more.
2. Have some initiative and a plan
Gentlemen have to have a plan. Ideally, no lady wants to be asked what she likes, where she would like to go, or hear that you “aren’t bothered, it’s up to you” and so on. Ladies want you to have a plan, and if she has her own ideas, that is fine too, be open to them, but you need a plan for the evening to fall back on. That is your job.
It does not bode well for natural chemistry if you have already begun failing in your assumed role.
3. Avoid dinner dates, if you can
Dinner dates can be a problem for chemistry on a first date. What if you realise in the first ten minutes that there is no chemistry? Now you are stuck there for dinner for two hours. Dinner dates can be amazingly romantic, so is it not better you work up to those?
Meeting in the daytime for coffee with the time to extend the conversation and move it elsewhere (to a gallery or maybe a bar in the evening) will feel less forced.
4. Wear the right clothes
Having established where you are going, you should be able to dress accordingly. The point about wearing the right clothes is as much about feeling comfortable and confident in your own skin as it is about cracking the dress code. If you never wear shirts, then don’t wear one this time. If you are all about knitwear, then stick to what you know best, but make an effort. This date isn’t being televised, so avoid looking done-up like a Love Island contestant. Look put-together, stylish, and elegant. That way, you can forget about how you look and focus on them.
5. First impressions are silent
Chemistry is far more about non-verbal communication than the verbal. Making a good first impression means making one before you have a chance to say anything. The first moment your date gets a glimpse of you is one you cannot redo.
When a man enters a restaurant with his head held very high (chin above parallel to the floor), that could be a sign of arrogance or overcompensating. If he enters with his chin parallel to the floor or slightly lower, it’s a sign he wants to look nice for a lady. Too low and there’s obviously a lack of confidence there. When people walk into an establishment and look around a little too much, this is a sign they want to be noticed by everyone. Find the balance.
6. Good first questions
“How are you? I’m fine. Yeah I’m fine too thanks”. It’s so predictably droll. This modern pleasantry does not give any insight into a person or their typical attitude. Better first questions might look like:
How was your journey?
How’s your week been?
Do you come to places like this often?
Where’s your favourite place to eat/drink?
7. Keep it positive. Always.
No matter the question, always answer positively. Had a terrible week? Downplay it. Felt miserable this morning? Keep it to yourself for now and say you are doing very well and things are going okay. You are there to ignite a flame not to request sympathy or sour the mood. There is a time and place for complete honesty, but when meeting new people, you have to keep things light and fun. Keep your questions and answers positive.
8. Check your deportment
Do you sit up straight facing the bar or slightly off-angle? Do you dangle your left left off the bar stool while you wait so you look a little cool after reading the co*cktail menu for the sixth time? These microdecisions run through a man’s head without fail but it’s important not to overthink.
At any table - coffee shop or bar - make sure you are angled towards them enough. hom*o sapiens point their shoes to things they are interested in.
9. Eye contact
Eye contact is vital for great emotional chemistry on a first date. Generally, good eye contact happens in a triangle of areas (hair, eyes, lips). It’s rarely a conscious decision to look at those parts for the sake of igniting a spark, but they are good ways to see if they have any physical interest towards you.
Holding eye contact for 2-3 seconds, especially in a brief moment of silence where a little glint in the eye appears, can build chemistry more powerfully than any question or compliment, but it has to be at the right moment. Wilful staring is a far cry from a romantic gaze.
10. Don’t bring up the ex
Don't ask about past relationships. Nothing dampens the mood quite like having somebody remember why they are on the date in the first place (because they no longer have a partner). You have reminded them perhaps about how sad their break-up was, how much they miss their ex – or alternatively, how much they hate that person now. Both realities do you no favours because it fosters only negative emotions. The sole objective of the date is to have fun, remember.
11. Avoid the interview situation
Dates often fall prey to the interview scenario because not many people know how to ask questions in such a way that it fuels the conversation instead of allowing basic questions to dominate every sentence. The problem is a combination of the number of questions, how closed they are, and how frequent.
Where were you born?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Would you like children one day?
What is your ideal partner?
Most of these questions are perfectly appropriate sooner or later, but a relentless barrage of them one after the other is too intense. Yes, a first date is a discovery for mutual compatibility, but too many questions without any natural free-flowing conversation make chemistry building a higher mountain to climb.
12. Non-interview questions
Instead of investigating the bald facts of their life, ask questions about what’s going on in their life recently, how their month has been, and what plans they have for any upcoming seasons or holidays. Any questions that can evoke a new emotional, exciting, and uplifting answer will stimulate the chat more.
Men tend to be lacking in the question department. They either put themselves on transmit and constantly talk about how amazing they are or sit there silently not contributing as much as they should. Have questions ready for when those moments in the chat fall to silence, but time them appropriately. Give the conversation a chance to grow naturally.
13. Share stories and passions
Answering questions is a quick and easy way to learn more about a person, but we are storytelling people. We are wired to get wrapped up in the tales of our experiences and enjoy every second of it. Sharing intimate stories brings out the emotional side in us and is a great way to spark a connection.
Similarly, if you find out what somebody does for a living, ask them why they love doing it. The word ‘love’ invites a more emotive answer. If it is not their passion, then this is a clever way to find out what is and for them to find out yours. This is the direction we want to be going in.
Be as genuinely interested in their life and what makes them tick as much as you can. That is the golden route to appear interesting and charismatic.
14. Flirting and compliments
Building chemistry is just that - something to build; it is a slow Darwinian dance of ritual. We are there seeking affirmation that this person could be the one and it rarely happens instantaneously.
Compliments are part of the game. You should definitely give some kind of compliment, and I always suggest doing so at the start not long after you first meet, because it is the least awkward moment to do so.
Flirting can manifest itself in cheeky comments or physical touch, and both should be done cautiously should you have no natural gift for doing both smoothly. Plonking your hands on their shoulder or around their waist is likely to be a strange surprise unless they are very obviously into you. Otherwise, you can lead up to it by getting physically closer. Leaning in periodically (at the table) helps make way for that. Sitting back in the chair or on the bar stool is either too casual or uninterested. Either way, it does not demonstrate enough interest or physical proximity for that special spark.
15. Create groundwork for a second date
You can test the chemistry during the date by creating the groundwork for the second date, even if it is just an idea for now with no concrete day and time. Assuming you have some social life to begin with - that would help - you can mention something you would like to go to soon, an upcoming film, theatre show, event, whatever it might be. Towards the end of the date, all being well, you can suggest whether they would like to go along with you. Leave the idea open to them, but now they know your intentions. Now it’s much easier to justify meeting again.
You can ask them straight, ‘Would you like to see each other again?’, but why not make life easy for yourself?
How to tell if you built chemistry
Contrary to the term, chemistry is not a science, at least not the kind we are concerned with. Sometimes it’s obvious that there is no spark or - reversely - that love was definitely in the air.
Sadly, men often misinterpret events, and so if you would like to affirm the chemistry you think was maybe there, then there are a few ways to tell.
Self-preening gestures. Any gesture that looks nonchalant but is in fact quite primitive can be a good sign, such as licking the lips, touching their own hair, touching soft parts of their face - these are all self-comforting gestures that make us feel good and perhaps indicate we would like the other person to touch those parts too. That’s what is being suggested (evolutionary speaking).
You were physically comfortable in each other’s space. There was no recoil at any moment.
In summary, none of us can predict how things will go. I certainly do not suggest overthinking any of the points raised in this article, but merely keep them in mind in the pursuit of meaningful relationships to give yourself the best chance. Nothing is certain, but isn’t that what true romance is all about?
