There are few things as nerve-wracking as a first date because there's so much anticipation and perceived pressure to impress. Pre-date jitters are completely normal; we all get those nerves bubbling under the surface with fears of saying the wrong thing or having an awkward exchange.
“We are selling the best version of ourselves while trying to balance authenticity, while we eat food or playing mini golf or shouting over loud music,” says licensed professional counselor Bonnie Scott, LPC. “We want to look cool and witty, come across as a good potential partner, and try to make genuine connections.”
In other words—it feels like there’s a lot riding on the date as hope mounts and worries swirl about saying the wrong thing and turning someone off. Your best bet is to be true to your authentic self so that you can both accurately decide if this connection has potential for the long haul. Along the way, it’s important to make good conversation and steer clear of certain topics.
Not sure what’s off-limits? Here’s what not to talk about on a first date.
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Off-the-Cuff or Judgmental Comments
It probably goes without saying: doing your best to have a filter and not blurting out whatever comes to mind is a great practice when it comes to socializing in general.
This is especially true when making a first impression on a first date. Avoid making judgemental or offhand negative comments about things like what they’re wearing, ordering, how they look, their job, or history. This might seem obvious, but sometimes even playful teasing or fun-making can be off-putting before they know your sense of humor.
A first date allows you to determine if you have chemistry or things in common. If you don’t, be courteous during the date and don’t plan another one. (Do, however, be kind enough to thank them for the date and explain that you didn’t feel like it was a fit if they wanted to pencil in another date.)
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Overly Gushing About Your Date
A genuine compliment goes a long way and can even break the ice. However, it can begin feeling inauthentic when you spend too much time complimenting, gushing, or otherwise “love bombing” your date.
“While one can feel connected and be excited about a potential match, it is important to remember that it takes time to get to know someone,” says Susan Trotter, PhD, relationship expert and coach. “If someone is being excessively complimentary or talking already about meeting friends and family, saying they love you, planning a trip, etc. on a first date, it is way too much too soon.”
Relationships take time to develop, so lean into those early stages versus jumping the gun.
Bad Mouthing Your Exes
It’s natural to discuss past relationships on a first date, and you can certainly talk about them within the context of understanding where each of you is coming from, what you’ve learned, and where you want to go.
However, badmouthing your ex is considered poor taste, and it also can indicate you haven’t accepted your own role in the relationship’s demise.
“In general, blaming others communicates that you aren’t introspective, don’t take responsibility, and live in the land of absolutes,” notes licensed clinical social worker Christina Granahan, LCSW. “Blame rarely comes in a 100 to 0 ratio.”
If the topic of exes comes up, instead of playing the blame game, discuss what you’ve learned and what you’re looking for moving forward.
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Delving Into Your Sexual History
Even if you’re very comfortable discussing your own sexual history, your date may not be quite as keen to discuss your past sex life or divulge details regarding theirs.
“Talking about sex or your sexual history…can sabotage the relationship,” Dr. Trotter says. “Sex is very personal for most people and discussing it on a first date is a red flag.”
If physical intimacy is important to you in a relationship, you can simply mention that fact and allow conversation to flow from there. Feel it out and don’t push boundaries if your date feels uncomfortable with the topic.
Focusing Only on Yourself
Your date definitely wants to get to know you, but you should be equally curious about who they are, too. Asking questions leads to a natural conversation flow and allows you two to get to know each other better.
“Be curious about this new person sitting in front of you. Further, make space for them to ask you what they are curious about, too,” says Granahan. “Make sure you both have a chance to get a feel for that by allowing some space for silence and asking more than you volunteer.”
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Highlighting Your Insecurities Too Much
A little self-deprecating humor can show that you don’t take yourself too seriously and that you’re not conceited. In fact, some studies have found that it can make you appear more likeable. However, this can turn into a slippery slope if you focus too much on your insecurities or shortcomings.
Confidence is very attractive to many people, so it makes sense to lead with that self-assurance when trying to make a good impression on a first date.
Susan Trotter, PhD.
If we feel good about ourselves, we are much more likely to attract confident people who are also going to make us feel good.
— Susan Trotter, PhD.
“If we feel good about ourselves, we are much more likely to attract confident people who are also going to make us feel good,” Dr. Trotter adds. “And of course, the alternative is true. Negativity [may] attract negativity. Try taking steps before the date to help you feel more empowered, like deep breaths, power posing, and smiling.”
Research even shows that smiling can help relieve stress, which certainly comes in handy to alleviate some of those first date nerves.
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Detailing Personal Past Traumas
It’s perfectly OK to get into serious conversations on a first date, but generally speaking it’s easier if the tone remains lighter. True intimacy takes time, and sharing our painful experiences or traumas can be part of building intimacy and trust. However, overwhelming this new person isn’t a shortcut to getting there, and it can disrupt the feel and flow of your date.
“Sometimes people use ‘trauma dumping’ as a way to create quick intimacy,” Scott says. “They tell way too much about something painful that happened to them, either because they haven't processed it with a professional, or they've found that it's a shortcut to getting other people to stick around for a while.”
Both scenarios may signal a red flag to the other. There's also the reality that you don't know this other person very well yet, and that you don't know how they'll perceive this information or whatever they'll share it with others. If you do end up going on more dates and getting to know each other, it makes more sense to start getting into those more intimate and personal details.
Final Thoughts
First dates are naturally going to feel a bit awkward or tricky to navigate, so don’t worry if you’re feeling jitters or anxiety beforehand. While it’s helpful to steer away from certain conversations, the most important thing is to be yourself and to try to get to know the other person.
“Remind yourself that this person has agreed to meet you for a date because there's something interesting about you,” Scott says. “They want to be there and they are feeling excitement about the potential of this interaction.”
That said, our suggestions for what not to talk about on a first date are meant to serve as a helpful guide versus rigid advice. When in doubt, feel things out with your date, stay true to you, avoid pushing boundaries, and have fun.
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